“Aren’t there a couple of young men in there with Clara?”
“No, only one. There isn’t a sound.”
She: Are you going to volunteer?
He: If yes, no. If no, yes.
Couple sitting on a park bench not really communicating
An outsider at one of Mrs. Catchem’s evenings.
The parson’s wife.
The plump one complains that the modern fashions make all women too much alike.
Keep out of politics.
By all means marry for a home.
Go back to the stable as soon as possible
Never by any chance stay at home.
Keep the mouth closed.
Little Sister: A widow? What’s a widow?
Big Sister: A lady what’s had a husband and is goin’ to have another.
A tragic moment for Smyth (who married for a home)
Mrs. S. (who has the money) objects to the size of his tailor’s bill.
“Louise, I really cannot permit you to read novels on Sunday.”
“But, Grandmamma, this novel is all right; it tells about a girl who was engaged to three Episcopal clergymen, all at once.”
“You don’t mean to say, Estelle, that you are tired of settlement work?”
“But, Auntie, dear, poor people are so monotonous.”
He: Who is that tramping around overhead?
She: Oh, that’s only papa. He always gets restless towards morning.
“Why aren’t you ready, Isabel? You know very well the opera begins at eight-fifteen.”
“Oh! Gracious! I forgot all about it. I’ve been so busy writing this article on preparedness.”
Mrs. Jones officially notified of her election as sheriff.
“It’s only fair to warn you that my son has never had a father’s care and doesn’t know the first thing about housekeeping.”
Trying to be appreciative while the author of the verses looks over your shoulder.
He: We have had a terrible scrap.
“And I came out ahead.”
“No. I did. You accepted my apology.”
The first stormy night in the cottage you have rented for the summer.
Something wrong somewhere—time 8.55 and still waiting for dinner to be announced.
A susceptible young man trying to make up his mind which way to turn.
Strong-minded Lady (on meeting the bride and groom): I trust you will be as happy as we have been.
The one night a week that he dines at home.
The Rev. —— reads his latest comedy to his niece.
Which shall be her sphere?
Dad is introduced to the man of her choice—“the nicest, sweetest thing in all the world."
When your mother shows your best girl the door.
When your rich aunt arrives unexpectedly and finds you haven’t hung the portrait she sent you at Christmas.
His fiancée sees Captain von Hoffenfeffer in civilian clothes for the first time.
“Three hundred dollars for that gown! Didn’t you get anything off?”
“All I dared.”
Fond Grandparent: I was exactly like him at his age.
The Reason dinner was late
He: That sofa must have been made for two.
She: It’s hardly short enough for that.
“That’s a fine dog you have there. What breed is it?”
“Sh! Not so loud! He thinks he’s a bulldog.”
Just before it’s too late.
Waiting for the flashlight.
Making it a jack pot.
Reading the play.
Skimpy Mistress (scenting unaccustomed delights): Sarah, what is that I smell?
Undernourished Maid of all Work: I think it must come in from next door.
He: You never compliment me any more on my appearance.
She: Oh, charming! Charming! Charming!
He: It’s perfectly awful the way you continue to flirt with your old sweethearts. I don’t believe you love me any more. And yet, before we were married, you told me I was a man of a thousand.
She: So you were, my dear, so you were. But I can’t entirely forget the other nine hundred and ninety-nine.
“I had a poet on one side and a millionaire on the other.”
“What did you talk about?”
“I talked to the poet about money and to the millionaire about the intellectual life.”
Mantel ornaments for domestic cheer.
“I don’t think married life is ever happy, anyway.”
“Then, why don’t you divorce your husband?”
“I’d rather quarrel with him than with strangers.”
Editor: Have you ever written any editorials?
College Graduate: No, sir; but I think I might train my mind down to it.
Frederick enjoys the flower show in our village
Famous Actor: Oh, yes, I’m married, but I always think it’s kind o’ tough on a girl that marries one of us travelin’ men.
“Still, it might be worse. I suppose you’re away from home most of the time.”
“Between me an’ you, Uncle Jasper, don’t you get awful tired of doin’ what you’re told? Don’t be scared to answer. I won’t give you away to Aunt Jane.”
Husband: Do you think you will be able to keep within your allowance this month?
“I’m afraid so.”
Mr. Wooden always wanted a tall, serious wife, while his friend Chubb intended to marry a cheery little woman.
“Can you come to the jeweler’s with me to-morrow, dearest? I’d like you to choose the ring yourself.”
“In that case perhaps you’d better save up a little longer, darling.”
“Where did you get those flowers, little girl? Off a tree?”
“Off a bush?”
“Off a lady.”
“Arthur says when he is at your house he acts just like one of the family.”
“Yes, he seems to be just as much afraid of my wife as I am.”
First R.A. (who hates to be interrupted in his hobby but is doing his best to be polite).—“Done any work to-day?”
Second R.A.—“No, confound it. That stupid ass Brown came to the studio and talked all the afternoon,—couldn’t do a stroke of work. What do you do when some idiot comes and interrupts your work?”
First R.A.—“Oh, I go on weeding.”