- Ladies and Gentlemen
- It’s perfectly awful the way you continue to flirt with your old sweethearts
He: It’s perfectly awful the way you continue to flirt with your old sweethearts. I don’t believe you love me any more. And yet, before we were married, you told me I was a man of a thousand. She: So you were, my dear, so you were. But I can’t entirely forget the other nine hundred and ninety-nine. - In the Clouds
- I had a poet on one side and a millionaire on the other
“I had a poet on one side and a millionaire on the other.” “What did you talk about?” “I talked to the poet about money and to the millionaire about the intellectual life.” - Household Decoration
Mantel ornaments for domestic cheer. - I don’t think married life is ever happy, anyway
“I don’t think married life is ever happy, anyway.” “Then, why don’t you divorce your husband?” “I’d rather quarrel with him than with strangers.” - Her Dance
- Have you ever written any editorials
Editor: Have you ever written any editorials? College Graduate: No, sir; but I think I might train my mind down to it. - Frederick enjoys the flower show in our village
- Everyman to his taste
- Famous Actor
Famous Actor: Oh, yes, I’m married, but I always think it’s kind o’ tough on a girl that marries one of us travelin’ men. “Still, it might be worse. I suppose you’re away from home most of the time.” - Even the fish have feelings
- Don’t you get awful tired of doin’ what you’re told
“Between me an’ you, Uncle Jasper, don’t you get awful tired of doin’ what you’re told? Don’t be scared to answer. I won’t give you away to Aunt Jane.” - Do you think you will be able to keep within your allowance this month
Husband: Do you think you will be able to keep within your allowance this month? “I’m afraid so.” - Christmas Eve Visitors
- Do women propose
Mr. Wooden always wanted a tall, serious wife, while his friend Chubb intended to marry a cheery little woman. - Can you come to the jeweler’s with me to-morrow, dearest
“Can you come to the jeweler’s with me to-morrow, dearest? I’d like you to choose the ring yourself.” “In that case perhaps you’d better save up a little longer, darling.” - Botany in the Bowery
“Where did you get those flowers, little girl? Off a tree?” “No, sir.” “Off a bush?” “No, sir.” “Where?” “Off a lady.” - Arthur says when he is at your house he acts just like one of the family
“Arthur says when he is at your house he acts just like one of the family.” “Yes, he seems to be just as much afraid of my wife as I am.” - Brother Brushes
First R.A. (who hates to be interrupted in his hobby but is doing his best to be polite).—“Done any work to-day?” Second R.A.—“No, confound it. That stupid ass Brown came to the studio and talked all the afternoon,—couldn’t do a stroke of work. What do you do when some idiot comes and interrupts your work?” First R.A.—“Oh, I go on weeding.” - Brother Brushes
“Do you want a Muddle. Sir.” - Costers and Cockneys
“Ow I s’y, look at ’er frills. Got ’erself hup like a bloomin’ ’am bone!” - Costers and Cockneys
Fat Party (after a war of words).—“If you come down our court to-morrer and bring a bit o’ fat with yer, I’ll bloomin’ well eat yer.” - Costers and Cockneys
“What price this for Margit.” - Costers and Cockneys
One Easter Monday. ’Arriet (watching the funeral of ’Liza).—“Nice sort of a Bank ’Oliday for ’er, poor dear.” - Costers and Cockneys
“Wot’s th’ row up the Court, Bill?” “Bob Smith was kissing my missus, and ’is old woman caught ’im. - Costers and Cockneys
’Arriet.—“Ow! I s’y, look at ’is bloomin’ ’At.” - Costers and Cockneys
“I ’ear as you don’t walk hout with ’Arry Smith any more.” “No, ’e wanted me to meet ’im incandescently, and I wouldn’t do such a thing, so I chucked ’im.” - Costers and Cockneys
“Ere y’are, Lidies’ Tormentors. ‘Two’ n penny!”